That Elf

There is this little Elf that does stuff when I’m not looking. I will refer to this creature as a “He”. But I HONESTLY 😉 wouldn’t have a clue of his…..or her gender because I’ve never seen him……..or her. I think this little mystical guy thinks he’s being helpful like those elves in that story about the shoemaker. But I would have to politely disagree on some occasions and forcefully disagree on most.
The Elf tidies my Tupperware container cupboard, he likes to put the small clicky-clacky air-lock containers inside the medium sized ones and then those inside the biggest ones, so when I’m on the set of my television studio kitchen and the cameras are rolling and I’m “talking to camera” on my COMPLETELY FICTITIOUS cookery show; I have to pull out all the neatly stacked and lined up plastic pots which topple over at the slightest touch, and un-click each lid four times on the each container in descending size order JUST to get to the smallest one.
Now my viewers don’t wanna see that and we all know imaginary camera crews don’t come cheap – Er, well they do – BUT they certainly don’t like waiting round whilst I’m click-clacking, and clack-clicking numerous pots, they start shuffling their feet and rolling their eyes as if to say “come on we haven’t got all day!”
Those precisely ordered plastic vessels are sent flying because the container I need is always at the back on the cupboard behind 14 years of accumulated plastic.
I’ve got a public image of professionalism to maintain. Mrs Figment-of-my-Imagination doesn’t appreciate burning her onions whilst waiting for me to dig my way through Tupperware before I can present the next stage of my carefully devised and informative culinary series. Mr Product-of-an-idyl-mind is watching his TV and all he can see is my arse poking out of a sea of old take-away tubs.
That little fellow also feels the need to move the spoon holder from the left of the cooker to the right of the cooker. I dutifully move it back when I see he’s been up to his old tricks BUT when my back is turned it’s back in the WRONG place again. I get the odd bit of fantasy fan-mail and my devoted viewers find my FOUR-LETTER rants about the spoon holder as most unnecessary and not becoming of such an excellent chef. One writer even accused me of trying to “Compete for ratings with Gordon F- ing Ramsey”?!?!? I had to make a public apology and everything – it wasn’t my finest hour. Now I wouldn’t dare going into the Elf’s WORK SPACE and start “organising” his Elf related stuff. I’d respect the place he spends 95% of his time and know that he may have it set up just the way he likes it, messy cupboards and all. In fact, I would know that Tupperware container cupboards are SUPPOSED to be messy – that’s why they have doors on cupboards so you can’t see the mess. I would appreciate all that fabulous work he does and feel that to “help” could be seen as a bit annoying at best and a possible comment on my shortcomings at worse. And ANYWAY – I have a extremely successful IMAGINARY cookery show so I MUST be doing something right.

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